Don’t Be Afraid to Appear “Needy” In A Relationship
Dear invisible kids,
“Intimacy is sharing your reality with someone else and knowing you’re safe, and them being able to share their reality with you and also be safe.”- Pia Mellody
Sometimes when we want to express our true feelings and needs in an intimate relationship, we feel vulnerable and were afraid that our partner would reject us, or be distant from us because they don’t feel the same. We are afraid that our “neediness” would make them dislike us. If you and your partner are in love, don’t be afraid to tell them how much you love and miss them, and what you want them to offer in the relationship. Trust that they wouldn’t hurt you deliberately. And whether your partner reciprocates or not, remember no one can truly reject or abandon you, but you. Because we can all be functioning adults who take care of ourselves with sufficient self-love.
Last week, I was missing someone so badly, but at the same time, a strong feeling of fear and vulnerability rose up. “What if she doesn’t miss me at all?”, “What if she finds out how much I was thinking about her, would she think I’m not that independent and leave?”, “She hadn’t texted me back for 2 hours. Was my previous text too needy, and now she wants to back off?” The greater my feeling of neediness, the more fear I had of potentially getting hurt. My auto-response was to hide my feelings and act cool. If she doesn’t know how much I miss her, then I’ll never get rejected. I would feel safe. However, I did the opposite. I told her that I missed her but I also felt extremely vulnerable. She reassured me that she would take care of me and my neediness. I wasn’t expecting any of that.
The problem with hiding our feelings and needs from our partner is that we re-live our trauma again in our head. We assume our partner would reject us, just like the people from our childhood trauma. Since we don’t act differently, our partner wouldn’t have the chance to help create a new “ending”- reassuring our needs in a loving way. Thus, we continue to assume the worst in our partner, and all the unspoken needs and feelings would eventually lead to an unfulfilling and unhealthy relationship.
An ideal relationship would be both partners sharing their feelings and needs freely, and having their spouse reassure them with love and action. Thus, creating more trust in the relationship. Without the vulnerability in the first place, maybe no real trust can be built at all.
I understand if you have experienced putting your heart out, and having someone avoid you, dislike you, or even breaking your heart, it’s very hard to trust others again. But believe me, you are lovable and you will meet someone who respects you, loves you, and comforts you.
2 last reminders: One, if you are not sure if your crush really has feelings for you, I would still advise keeping your affection to yourself, because if that person isn’t ready, s/he may back off to avoid misunderstanding. Secondly, “needs” could mean attention, recognition, or physical comfort from your partner, but don’t give unreasonable requests to your partner or force them to put you as their top priority in inappropriate situations.
I hope one day, you’ll find someone who says, “Just be needy, I’ll take care of you and your neediness I promise- capable and happy to.” Someone trustworthy.
P.S. I had some chemistry with the nice lady mentioned above, but we are not yet in any committed relationship. No matter what the result is, I’m extremely grateful for the relationship and the lesson learned.
I love you, kids!
Love,
Dad
2022.04.23
“Dear Invisible Kids” is just an idea of recording my life lessons for my future kids. If they exist in the future, great, they’ll get to know their dad. If they don’t, I guess they remain invisible forever😂. Hopefully, those messages would benefit someone in this world.
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