Finding Your Purpose and Reaching Epiphany with David Deida and Neil Strauss

[Based on the Society Module 11.2- Living With Purpose by David Deida and 11.3 Reaching Epiphanies by Neil Strauss]

“Growth is painful, because it’s letting go some part of you, and facing your fears. The pathway for full development is difficult.” — David Deida

Knowing Your Purpose Helps Your Intimate Relationships

As a masculine, you need to know your purpose before getting into a relationship. You want to invite your partner to be on this journey with you, where you can clearly tell her where your “train tracks” are heading in 3, 5, 10 years and ask her, “Do you want to come with me?”. On one hand, your partner has more trust in you and find you more attractive; on the other hand, unless you know your purpose first, you will always have a minor simmering resentment to your partner who wants our attention, because we think we should be using it elsewhere, and she’s distracting you from where you want to go, even you are ambiguous about your own direction.

Eliminate Distractions to Find Your Purpose

It’s okay that your purpose right now is “To discover your purpose”. But you need to eliminate distractions from finding your purpose. Nothing hurts a man more than not knowing his reason to be alive. He will fill that emptiness with sex and drugs. He may turn on the TV, turn on some music or read a magazine, but deep down there’s an aching sense of incompletion in his body.

Eliminating distractions means you eliminate everything (no TV, no smartphones, no music, etc), and sit down comfortably all by yourself for 1–2 hours. You would ask yourself, “What do I need to do or become so that when I die, I’m complete? And by then, I could smile as I let go, because I’ve given everything, and my life has been totally used up in my given.”

There won’t be an answer right away. Several hours later, you would want to do something and get distracted. Because we are so used to avoiding the hole in our hearts and covering the pain of not knowing our purpose with distractions. If you don’t numb yourself with distractions, your sprout of purpose begins to form, at first it’s usually vague (for example, “I want to build a business that helps people”). After 3 to 4 days, if it’s not getting specific, you get out of your retreat and try to do something in that direction (for example, making a phone call to get to know how to start a book store). If your body doesn’t feel right doing it, then you go back to your retreat. Maybe you come up with another business idea, you try to do something to cultivate it, and see if it feels congruent with your purpose. Repeat the process, until it feels like a bell got hit.

Your True Purpose Is Usually Relates To Your Deepest Fear

If you lean towards your deepest fear, under that feeling is usually your gift and purpose. To discover your gift, you must feel and face your fear every day. If your purpose isn’t covered by your fears, you would have done it long ago.

Living Your Purpose Doesn’t Mean It’s Always Easy and Joyful, But It Stops You From Doubting Yourself Everyday

Even you are living your purpose, you will still encounter obstructions, and you’ll face your deepest fear every day, but even if it’s difficult and you feel a little beat up, at the end of the day, you feel like you’re done for that day, and your mind and heart could be at ease and relax. If you’re not living your purpose, after a day of work, you would be wondering what you could or should have done, and question if it’s the right thing to do.

You need to face your demons to live your gift. The world will beat you down daily even if you’re living your deepest purpose. You just need to dust yourself and keep going.

It’s Alright to Spend Time Accomplishing Things That’s Not Your Purpose, But Which’re Your Desires

There are desires in your life that you just want to accomplish, even though you know they are not your purpose, like owning a great house, having great experiences, or having a lot of sex, etc. It is alright to spend time accomplishing these desires because you can’t let them go if you don’t do them. The sooner you fulfill them, the sooner you can grow beyond them and they become obsolete. Life isn’t about living success… life is about living so much success, that you don’t need to think about it anymore, and you can take the next step. If you have accomplished those desires, you will no longer feel like you are waiting to achieve something, and that you can totally relax and focus now. And from that relaxed place, you start giving your gift.

Imagine you made as much money as you need for the rest of your life, you lived your purpose, you’ve experienced every experience, you had sex with all the women you want to have in your life, then you feel like you’re free and sufficient. You can finally sit with full consciousness, and there’s no need to move at all. This feeling is sort of what men are truly seeking.

Spend A Little Time Each Day to Work on Your Purpose

Every one of us would have a tiny bit of time to do something related to our purpose every day, even if it’s just 3 minutes. Touch into that purpose every day and begin to expand it. You will be surprised how much you can do when you’re not doing other things, other than your purpose.

Purpose and Intimate Relationship

If you could spend an hour a day with your wife and girlfriend, but you wish you were working or thinking of work, then you shouldn’t spend the time with her, because she would feel it, and it would be lousy anyway. You should determine how much time you could spend with her where you’re 100% with her by choice and joyfully so, even 10 minutes a day. You are totally with her in that period of time, ravishing her, loving her, and feeling her.

The feminine always wants to spend more time with you, and have a deeper connection with you, and it may take some time from your purpose. But when you’re giving your true gift, she could sense it. The feminine heart is happiest when love is flowing, and then she can also have a job or purpose. While as masculine, you can be alone and have a terrible love life, but you could be happy by yourself if you are giving your deepest gifts. However, you shouldn’t project your values on your partner, it’s just not how she is programmed.

If you need to communicate with your partner about spending time on your purpose, instead of being with her, you could say, “ I love you. You are my chosen partner. I appreciate your wanting to spend time with me. I must do this purpose, or I can’t be with you. But in 3 hours when I’m done with this, then I could spend an hour with you.” She needs to know your specific schedule and what your choices are so that she can relax.

Purpose and Your Children

In the first stage of life, you want to do what you want to do and be who you are (selfish and doesn’t care what others feel). In the second stage, we are very aware and careful about how we affect other people. In the third stage, you feel that greatest gift in you, and you feel your children’s or partners’ greatest gifts. And you create a situation for your children to bloom. Your children may resist because it might be hard. But you need to give him a structure for his sake if you love him, for example, “work before you go to play”, or “spend 10 minutes to paint each day”. Your children need to learn to put structure on themselves later in life.

How To Reach Epiphany?

What is an Epiphany?

An epiphany is a realization, a clarity, a recognition, and an Ah-ha moment. An epiphany is different for anyone, it may strike someone, but others may not have much feeling at all. When we have an epiphany, we don’t have to understand intellectually, just emotionally is enough.

Misunderstandings About Epiphany

1. “When I find my one epiphany, everything would be perfect!” When you fix one thing, there’ll always be the next thing. Because there are a lot of stories that we tell ourselves that may get us stuck. That’s why we need evolution and the willingness to become our better selves.
2. “ I have put in 2 hours of work, give me my epiphany. We did our homework, we should get it now.” Sometimes, even if we put in a lot of time and effort, the epiphany may not come. And it’s okay. The time needed to reach epiphany is different for anyone. The most important thing is we keep ourselves in the process, our epiphany will come later. All the learning takes place at the moment of clarity, everything else is just foreplay, but the learning is priceless. Sometimes it’s not about the time we put in, but what resources we could bring out to help others.
3. “ Reaching epiphany is easy.” The process will be frustrated and irritating, but we need to push to the other side.

Here are some realizations by The Society Members

1. “When I succeed at something, I don’t give myself the acknowledgment or appreciation or praise, I just focus on what I could have done better instead. I realized I have to become my own parent to myself, and there’s no need to put myself down.”
2. “My mum never asked about my day, and not talk about herself. It’s not acceptable to her of just being, it has to be doing something to get her approval.”
3. “I’ve turned everyone in the world into my parents, and I’m afraid of or try not to bother them.”

Bonus: How to Become A Better Coach to Others

There are gifts for the person who has an epiphany, as well as those who are as the coach. Your partners’ stories could influence you, and you can get so much out of listening. That’s also how to do listening in relationships as well.

1. When being a coach, stop trying to be an expert. Just pay attention.
2. You should be with your partner when they are receiving feedback or having an epiphany. Be supportive to them.
3. Really pay attention, listen and notice what your partner is saying. Be curious and ask questions to your partner, “ Can you explain how more about this?”, “ How do these two pieces go together?”
4. Be attuned to your partner. Your parents may not be attuned, narcissistic, critical, or absent. But you can practice being a true listener now. All the info is out there in the words that your partner is using. You just need to pay attention and give feedback to your partner.
5. Do not let your partner get away with rationalization, bull shit, or things that are not true. You may just want to be liked, but you are just being selfish, and you are not doing them a favor.