The Structure of Relationships by Neil Strauss

The basic structure of every successful interaction and relationship, and how you can use it to improve your social life

Neil Strauss on The Structure of Relationships

Intro

Every relationship has a structure. Some people think if you talk long enough, that person will eventually like you. No! There’s a structure that you have to bring them through one point to another to build a solid relationship. This structure is based on human nature and can be applied to all social interactions.

Structure of Relationships

1. Approach/Open: Only by approaching, you can start a new interaction
2. Demonstrating Value (DHV): Demonstrating how valuable and interesting you are and what you can offer. You want to reach a point where people want to keep talking to you and keep you around (Hook-point)
3. Emotional Connection: Show that you’re interested in them and be willing to build a connection and friendship. You also make that person feel special about himself/herself.
4. Call to Action: You want to impel them to take action (maybe via incentives). For example, in pick up, you can use the Jealousy Plotline; in business, you can use a sense of urgency (“the offer will be gone soon”).
5. Close: You go for what you want. Maybe making a deal or getting a phone number.

Example #1: Business Networking

1. Approach/ Open: “Hey I read your book, it helped me a lot.”
2. DHV: “I have done some amazing work in SEO for Fortune 500 companies. I can help you for free. And I know there’s a conference that you can speak there.”
3. Emotional Connection: You stay connected with them.
4. Close: Ask for a favor to get invited to an important event.

The Art of Calibration

“Calibration” means knowing where you are with someone in this structure, where you’re heading to, and what is needed to get there.

Sometimes, you don’t need to go through all the phases. You need to figure out where to begin, based on his/her interest in you. And starting from there, you need to go through all the rest of the steps.

For example, for the “Fool’s Mate” situation, both of you are ready to close, then jump directly there. If a woman is rubbing your chest, you don’t need to start at the approach, you jump to the close. If both of you want to do business together, you can close the deal.

3 Location Rule

If you do a “solid game”, there’s usually a different location for each phase.

Example #1: Pickup

• Approach and DHV Location: Rooftop Party
• Emotional Connection Location: Restaurant/ Cafe
• Close Location: Bedroom

Example #2: Business Networking

• Approach & DHV Location: Conference
• Emotional Connection Location: Hanging out together in town
• Close Location: Ask for a favor through the phone

The Danger Points

The danger points are where you may get rejections. Usually 1. Approach; 2. Not reaching the Hook-point; 3. Close.

Other Structures for Reference: Mystery Method (Only for Dating)

Attraction

• A1: Open
• A2: Attraction- Male to Female
• A3: Attraction- Female to Male (Why she’s special)

Comfort

• C1: Conversation
• C2: Connection
• C3: Intimacy- Kissing (Statement of Interest)

Sex

• S1: Foreplay
• S2: Last Minute Resistance (80% of women have fear and worries)
• S3: Sex

Basically, A1 is the Approach, A2 is the DHV, A3 & C1 are the Emotional Connection, C3 onwards is the Close.

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