On Friendships
What I learned about friendships after 30 years, and what I want my kids to know
Dear invisible kids,
Real friends in life are those who had fought battles with you hand-in-hand, who knows your weakness and vulnerabilities but still love you for who you are, who is there for you during downtimes, who are happy for you when you succeed, who are honest with you, and who you have mutual respect and admiration for one another. It is the depth that counts, not the numbers. I hope you will find those people in life, and I’m sure you will.
Real friendships are developed through hardships & “missions”
When I was much younger, most of my friends are just playmates, I played basketball and video games, read magazines, and comics together. They are funny, rebellious, and usually street-smart. However, the relationships eventually faded. I guess in life, we don’t really need solely fun people around, we need people who we can trust and count on during hard times. And those are usually the people with who you would have more satisfaction and growth together as well.
By playing debating in secondary school, working hard in AIESEC in university, teaching debating in different secondary schools, working in SF Express as a consultant, and working as a Business Analyst in JD.com, I had accomplished many “missions”, no matter big or small, with a lot of human beings. Hard work reveals the best and the worst of every person. Through every “mission”, I get to see the true nature of my teammates. And luckily I found a small number of people with who I can develop true, deep friendships. That is why I believe the best connections could only be built from overcoming difficulties together as a team, instead of just fooling around together.
Real friendships can guide you through tough times
Downtimes are crucial to see who are the true friends that will support you. We all face difficulties, and most of us need a support system to bounce back. We can’t do it alone when we are wrapped around our heads. During Year 3, while I was the President of AIESEC in my university. I got a letter from the university telling me that as my GPA was below 1.5, and if I continued to get a low GPA, I would be kicked out of school. I didn’t want to tell my 8 teammates (Vice Presidents), because I thought as the “President”, you needed to be perfect. One night during the first national conference, I opened up to them. Out of my surprise, they didn’t criticize me and stuff. Instead, they offered constructive advice and support. Some of them started having breakfast and studying in the library’s study room together with me. That semester I got a much better GPA, and successfully graduated later on. Those teammates have become some of the most valued humans in my life. Real friends would lift you up and give you a helping hand when you are in a deep mess.
Real friendships can only be measured by depth, not numbers
When I first entered university, I wanted to meet as many people as possible. I mingled a lot, and I of course did a lot of weird stuff to get attention as well. But throughout the years, I realized it’s great to meet a lot of people, but it’s better to find more like-minded people, and maintain deeper relationships with the ones that clicked. If you don’t think you would find like-minded people in a club or in your hall, why spend time there? Relationships are like a garden, you need to water once in a while to let the flowers blossom, and you should also pick the right flowers that you like and that deserve your time and heart.
Criteria for Real Friends: Great work ethic, nurturing, kind-hearted, authentic, admirable, and trustworthy
Here are some criteria of what a real friend should be: Does he/she have a high standard and ownership towards their work, instead of just wanting to meet the bottom line? Does he/she want you to succeed, instead of just wanting to criticize, tease and belittle you to make them feel better about themselves? Does he/she have a good heart to contribute to the world, instead of just wanting to live greedily and selfishly? Does he/she act and speak authentically, instead of being a gossiper or hypocrite? Do you feel like you guys can learn from one another? Can you trust that person with your money and your wife/husband/children? If all the answers are yes, then you found yourself a really good friend for life.
Cut off toxic people in your life
There is a saying that “You’re the average of the five people spend the most time with”. I truly believe that. If a friend of yours is the opposite of the criteria above, have the courage to cut them off in your life. You deserve better.
Demand yourself to be a great friend to others
When you have a high expectation towards others, you need to have a higher expectation towards yourself as a friend. You need to be authentic, generous, humble, kind-hearted, trustworthy, and reliable. Otherwise, you don’t deserve those people in your life.
I know you will find great friends in your life, just as I do.
Love,
Dad
2022.03.20
“Dear Invisible Kids” is just an idea of recording my life lessons for my future kids. If they exist in the future, great, they’ll get to know their dad. If they don’t, I guess they remain invisible forever😂. Hopefully, those messages would benefit someone in this world.
P.S. If you want weekly emails on how to become your best self, subscribe here. A free relationship ebook “Mindful Love”+ Tim Ferriss’s workout cheatsheet will be delivered to your inbox immediately.
